Dream 15

I woke up from a bad dream. I don't remember it but I felt like I was fighting something. Like something was trying to get me to move or control me. And I remember the real feeling of griping something hard in my hand. So hard that my had is numb and bruises cover my palm. When I got up I heard something drop to the floor. My cats started hissing and I heard them run away. I took a flashlight I've been keeping nearby and pointed it beside my bed. On the floor was that worry doll.

Sometime last night I got up, walked across the room, got the thing from my jewelry box, and came back to bed. I don't remember doing that. It must have happened in my sleep. 

I don't sleep walk.

That black angel

The black angel from before in the hospital

I  don't know who he is. But he's been watching me for the past three days now. I see him through my windows. Craneing his neck trying to look in further. He can only see so much from the deck window. I'm pinning up towles on the windows and taping the sides. But I know he's still there. My cats will never come home with him there.

I hesitated to say it before. I don't want people to think I'm crazy. But I'm having nightmares and seeing angels wearing black. I don't want to go to a doctor. They haven't been able to help with my pain. How could they help with this?

I don't want to go to an insane asylum. I don't want to be in a room strapped to a bed. Drugged up and drooling for days.

I'm so sick of being in pain.

I just want it to stop.

I found some leftover vicodin from a previous injury. Something I've kept for emergencies. I took three of them. I wanted to take more but I stopped myself. I can't take these other pills. I don't even know what they are. But what if I run out? Will I use these pills? Would they even help? Maybe they would kill me? If I can't leave then I can't get more medicine.

Mom, why?