More gifts

Last night I heard a loud pounding on my front door.
I was too scared to check what the hell it was.
It continued for a few minutes.
When I decided it was light enough to go investigate I cautiously peeked outside.
And I found this on my welcome mat.

That's my name. My full first name. This looks like the bottle that my medication came in before I tossed it. Looks like someone grabbed it. Messed with the label and put new pills in it.

I have no idea what these are. They have no stamping or anything identifying them. There are 30 in the container. Who the hell left this here? Was it you Mother? That's so nice that you want to replace my pain medication I got rid of. I may be in pain but I'm not stupid. Next time you want to leave me a present you should call before you decide to come over at four in the Goddamn morning. Pounding down my door!
I'm calling Janet after I post this. She's a retired nurse, she can tell me what the hell these are. I'm not going to toss them. I need the evidence.

Screw you and your medicine.

The Day's Events

Even though I want my family and friends and possibly the authorities to know whats going on when its happening, I hesitate to really write anything that I do on here. You don't realize how much the internet shares until something like this happens to you. Identity theft, credit card fraud, and facebook. They all share one common goal. To get who you are and copypasta it to whoever wants it. Google doesn't help either. Link to all of my networking sites through one e-mail account. I couldn't even be on here if I didn't have one. I'll be damned if I let this go any further than it already has.

Locksmith came and fixed me up. Even put in a few other locks for good measure. Dad helped me pay for it since my finances are starting to dry up. But I'm not even looking for a job right now. I'm still not better from all of last months events and now that the pain pills are gone everything is a little more complicated.

Should this still hurt so bad? It's been almost a month since I had surgery and I'm still in a lot of pain. Maybe they left a scalpel in me or something. I should call the doctor. See if he still thinks that sleep is a good thing. Speaking of which, I got it in short bursts last night. An hour here, an hour there. The pain and nightmares take turns waking me up.They are still vivid and real. Seemingly even more so.

I'm not going to lie here. My paranoid self is rearing its ugly head and I don't mind listening to it. It only makes sense that I would feel that way though. I've never had this problem before. But now when I look at my whole self....

Go ahead. Google yourself. See how much of you is on the internet. 

There are some people out there with pictures of you that you don't remember taking. Nothing weird or sexual. Just the smiling photos at someone's house. Or in the backround. Or on someone's blog. Or at that public event. Those are the worst. It reminds us that no matter what, you are re-searchable. No wonder she knows where I live. 

I just realized something...

I let the cats out today and I decided to spend the last couple hours of daylight siting in the shade outside, reading. I stopped for a second and looked up from my book when I had made a connection.

This thing

She had made a comment on "The Cat's Day Out" about leaving me a gift. Did she mean this thing? Is she saying that she left this around there for me to find? And now I remember, it wasn't just laying around. It was at the bottom of my stairs. Just sitting there perfectly placed where I couldn't miss it. Does Mother know where I live? That's assuming that she actually left this and isn't messing with me. She also said that she hopes it "keeps me safe". Safe from what? Clearly its not from sickness.

Then I thought about my apartment being all messed up. I looked at the photo I took and found two things that don't belong there.

Why would I have this collection of weird name scribbles? I didn't write that.

This second one unnerved me. I started feeling really uneasy as I looked at this. Again I don't remember drawing that. But it looks like the same size and shape as the name one. I don't have any notebooks with that size of paper. My paranoid thoughts are coming back. And they're telling me that someone was in my house without my knowing. But not only that. They we're here, left a mess, and then locked up anyway. Does someone other than me have a key to my apartment? Or worse yet. Did my neighbor give someone the key while I was gone? Did they make a copy? Have they been back since then? I've been so drugged up lately....

I called the police, more than a little freaked out by this. They told me that since nothing really conclusive has happened (ie: no one getting hurt) that they can't do much.
Maybe I'm overreacting. But this is really creeping me out. I called the landlord and left a message with him. I'm going to be taking the necessary precautions to keep myself safe at night. Although I'm not sure how I'm going to get any sleep now. I don't care how much pain I'm in those pills are going in the toilet. I hate them anyway.
I almost threw that worry doll from my deck a few minutes ago. For now I'm just putting it in my jewelry box. Hidden away so I can't see it. I might need it to show the police if anything else happens.
I'm sorry if this scares anyone, but I had to write it down. Mom, I'm okay, I have all kinds of nasty trinkets that I could defend myself with if I need to. Please don't worry too much. I'll call you tomorrow morning.
Katie

Doctors and Diaries

I just woke up.
Probably not a good time to write something everyone can read. But that's what spell check is for. I feel like I was knocked out or something. I probably would of stayed asleep too if it wasn't for the cats politely pawing at my face for food. Both they're water and food bowls were empty. I guess I forgot to feed them last night.
It took me a long while to remember what I did yesterday. It wasn't until I took a look at my blog that my memory started jogging again. I can't wait to get off of this medicine.
So I went to the doctor. I don't remember all the details. (I know that's going to bother you Mom.) He said that I looked like I was recovering alright. I told him about the pain, the random sleep patterns and the dreams. He said that was normal for the medication I was on. "Sleep is good for you.", he says.
Yeah but I'm sleeping a lot.
Anyway, I think I came strait back home then because I don't remember much else from yesterday that wasn't time spend in the doctor's office. The paranoid part of myself wants to ask him about memory loss? But it was just an afternoon. And I'm not dead or beat up or anything. So I must be okay.

I think it might be best if I keep a regular posting schedule on here for a while. At least until I get off the medicine. That way if I keep having issues I can have something to tell the doctor.
My phone is back up again too Mom. I checked it before I got on here and there is a dial tone and everything. Cell phone is still on the fritz. I'll call you after I'm done posting this.
Loves and stuffs,
Katie

Edit: Mother commented on my last post this morning an hour before I had gotten up. She said to "Wake up". Does anyone else find this creepy?

And Update and Mother

First of all Mom, I'm sorry I haven't been in contact. I know you're worried about me and I should have called you a while ago. My phone is out and I've been outside my apartment maybe twice since my last post.

I'm okay Mom. The pain is still around but its tolerable. I had to go out and get some groceries and more pain killers. I'll have to leave to see the doctor for a follow up tomorrow. I'll let you know what he says when I get back. It will have to be through e-mail though.

And to my friends, I'm sorry for not letting you guys know too. The medication makes me sleep constantly and when I am awake, I'm getting something small to eat then going strait back to bed. My computer is filled with stray cat hair and dust. And this place is getting to look like a pigsty but again I haven't bothered to do much on a count of me still being physically out of commission.
I even had to look at the calendar on my computer to see what day it was. My reference for time is all screwed up. I go to bed and wake up, its nighttime. I go to bed and wake up, its the middle of the afternoon. I go to bed and wake up, the sun is rising.
My cats have been staying close to me too. They keep giving me this weird look. Almost as if to say, "Are you okay?" and they keep looking out the side window at night. I don't know what they are seeing. I suppose cats have better vision than people but I don't know whats occupying all their time. Its just nice to have someone here with me.

And on to the other thing.
It's nice to see that a few other people seem to be interested in my life and writings. (All both of you) But when I finally cleaned off my computer and started checking past e-mails I saw that I had a number of comments from this person called Mother. At first I thought it was you Mom with some kind of clever title. But this person is different. I suppose if you start asking for help from the populous when it comes to weird dreams you're bound to get a few oddballs. But she's telling me to burn my notebook and to "be a good girl." It's a little more than disconcerting, especially since I'm still recovering here.
I suppose this is what happens when you leave your blog alone for a week.
She seems to be trying to tell me about this "him" guy. And she didn't like the morphine induced post I did either. I'm too tired to be really worried though. If she is reading this, then please don't take offense to what I have said here. But I just have no idea what your angle is. I appreciate any help you want to give me but your odd comments are looking less like a good samaritan and more like a creeper.

Anyway, doctor tomorrow, I'm doing okay, and contact me through e-mail. Or here. I know my friends and family are reading this even though they don't follow it directly.
Love to all,
Katie

The Dreams

I'm in that black void again.

The voice is talking to me. It's weird and distorted.
But I still can't hear anything.

I agree with everything its saying but I'm scared.

Then I'm on the edge of the void, somewhere between a white walled room and the blackness.
I get really scared.
I try to move but I can't.
I'm paralyized.

These arms come our from the void.
They stretch and twist. There must be five or six of them.
They first grab my shoulders, then as I get closer they grab at my back and push me closer.
Just before I get to the void again I can move.
I start to drag my feet. I try to turn and run but the hands have me.
I get dragged into the darkness
I'm terrified.

I woke up, sweating and breathing like I had just run a few miles.
Then I drew this.

The Pain that Comes and Goes

It's been a few days since I got back from the hospital. I still feel like crap though. The medicine doesn't seem to be doing much anymore. Some days feel better and others are really painful. It seems like I keep forgetting things too. But I haven't been outside since I got back so its possible I just have a case of cabin fever.

My neighbor came over a few minutes ago to see how I was. He's such a nice guy. I haven't been here for more than a month and he's checking up on me. We're becoming fast friends. He took such good care of my cats while I was away. Speaking of, they are doing just fine Mom. They keep trying to sleep on my stomach but that's not a good place for them right now. God I missed my pets.

My dreams are getting elaborate too. It might be something that is important to my situation now. So I'm starting to write them down. Usually they all start out the same. I'm in a black void. There is no light and  I can't see anything around me. But I can hear things moving around. Mostly there is this voice. But I can't hear it. It's just...there. Then everything goes white and I end up somewhere else. Usually I'm outside my apartment or in the woods nearby. Everything is black and white like some old movie. I've been waking up in the middle of the night and I gotta take a moment to get myself out of it. Sometimes when I wake up all I can do is draw it out so I have a bunch of rough sketches too. I'll post a few here. If anyone has any psychology or dream analysis skills then let me know if anything stands out. If I can find a particular meaning then maybe I can let them go and get some real sleep.

Thanks in advance,
Katie